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Akiva Lane
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Why did Betty put things on the kitchen scale at 1pm for 9 hours?

She wanted to measure them on a scale from 1 to 10.

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Akiva Lane
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What happened when a tree doctor put the bark of an oak tree on a maple tree?

It didn't work, because he was barking up the wrong tree.

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Akiva Lane
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What is the person who a cougher coughs on called?

Coffee.

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What is news from last week called?

Olds.

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What is a newspaper that puts you asleep called?

The snooze news.

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Akiva Lane
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What do you call a hippie who is a phony?

A hippie-crit.

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What cosmetics does a woman wear when she wants to end an argument?

Make up make-up.

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Akiva Lane
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What kind of fruit did they use against Donald Trump?

He was impeached twice.

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What is the motto of people who keep to a strict budget?

We have a budget, and we won't let it budge.

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Why did Martha practice drawing lions?

Her therapist said that there were times she had to get better at drawing the lion.

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Why does the calendar have a good social life?

It has a lot of dates.

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Akiva Lane
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What is it called when a homeowner tries to stop a foreclosure of his house?

House keeping.

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